Last Thursday was just like any other cold, snowy winter Thursday here in Indiana. Maybe your Thursday went a little something like mine. Or maybe you think I am totally crazy. Either way, here is what happened…
4:55am Hear Baby Girl crying in nursery
5:35am Finish feeding, diaper change, and swaddling
5:40am Perform yoga moves on nursery floor
6:00am Fall back asleep in bed
6:35am 4-year-old wakes up
7:00am 3-year-old wakes up
7:01am I am in denial that they are awake and continue to lay in bed. Hear husband head downstairs so I can doze. God bless him!
8:00am Notice that Big Brother looks pretty crummy for the 10th day in a row. Miss call-in-hour at doctors office
8:00am-8:30am Make breakfasts, distribute medicine, start laundry load #1, unload dishwasher, chug coffee, pillage pantry for healthy breakfast
8:30am Call doctor and get 10am appointment
8:35am-9:15am Talk incessantly to The Brothers about being ready to leave for doctor on time, feed baby, change everybody’s clothes, pack bag, clean kitchen, argue with The Brothers about cleaning up the “airport” they built out of the couch cushions, realize I am in my pajamas…
9:18am Little Brother removes clothes because being “cold is my favorite”. Refuses to put on any clothes besides Cincinnati Reds shorts and t-shirt he has been wearing since last June
9:27am Little Brother is still laying naked on floor
9:30am 2 outa 3 in car and ready to leave on time. Bribe Little Brother into clothing himself and getting into car. He refuses to get in car seat until his hair is, “how I like it”. I submit to brushing his red hair into a comb over
9:50am Arrive at parking lot 10 minutes ahead of schedule. Excited to beat other 10am appointment people to the check-in window
9:51am Realize there is absolutely no where to park due to construction
9:52am Stalk lady sitting in pickup truck holding the “Vehicles with Small Children” spot hostage
9:53am Give up on evil woman in truck ever moving and park in Illinois
9:56am Hobble with infant car seat, bag, and 2 toddlers to pickup truck
9:57am Walk up to lady in truck and administer death stare
9:58am Notice other mom with 3 kids running into office building. Begin dragging my offspring across the parking lot
10:00am Admit failure and sign in behind other family
10:01am Try to find corner of waiting room at least 3 feet away from any of the 18 kids that are coughing
10:02am Begin prayer that The Brothers do not start chanting, “Money Money Money!!!” while beating on the fish tank like our last visit
10:10am The Brothers stare at older boys crawling around waiting room and screaming. They are either in shock, or getting ideas.
10:16am Notice Big Brother is standing in the middle of room, picking his nose and eating it
10:24am Begin to realize that everyone else is getting called in before us
10:27am Little Brother begins talking to random people and telling them that the other little boys in the waiting room are “really bad and mean people”
10:32am Little Brother asks me, “is my hair like I like it?” for the 20th time. Yes, your comb over looks amazing
10:46am Finally get called back for 10am appointment!
11:30am Finally leave doctor’s office and coast home on fumes since everyone is screaming that they are starving and I don’t think we (I) can make it to a gas station. Safely.
11:45am The Brothers now say they are not hungry and that they want to play outside. It is the warmest day in about 4 months so I agree. Big Brother swears he feels all better. This would have been useful information earlier in the morning
11:55am Make lunches, clean bottles, get laundry load #2 going, constantly check on boys out the window
12:03pm Realize The Brothers have been climbing a snow hill and are soaking wet and covered in gravel
12:04pm Baby is screaming
12:06pm Nimbly dress The Brothers in snow pants, change socks, coats, hats, gloves and boots while in squatting position with baby in Bjorn. At least 1 squat is done for today
12:10pm Feed baby in dining room so I can watch The Brothers jump in giant mud puddles
12:30pm Walk in 32 circles around cul-de-sac with baby in Bjorn for exercise
12:55pm – 1:20pm Undress and re-dress The Brothers, feed children, cleanup, change poop diaper, entertain Baby Girl, start laundry load #3 and #4
1:25pm Realize I am eating sandwich that fell on the floor that I meant to throw in trash can
1:35pm Lure Little Brother up to his room for naps with his Cincinnati Reds outfit
1:36pm Little Brother informs me that he will probably “only get up 5 or 6 times to pee during naps”
1:45pm Big Brother promises to stay upstairs for quiet time and not come down until the secret message is enabled (a Jake and the Neverland Pirate ship at the top of the stairs is the signal that it is safe to come downstairs)
2:14pm I hear suspicious noises coming from the pantry. Either Big Brother is performing one of his famous and stealthy “pantry sneaks” or we have a very large rat on our hands
2:17pm “Catch” Big Brother with large bowl of cereal sitting behind a curtain in master bedroom. Not surprisingly, he acts like he just doesn’t know how this big bowl of cereal got upstairs. “It was probably Chippy.” That’s our Elf on the Shelf. It’s February dude, he has been back at the North Pole for weeks.
2:57pm Pretend to be asleep on couch as I hear Big Brother coming downstairs for a second offense
2:59pm Big Brother gets as close to my face as he possibly can and asks 12 times, “Are you asleep? Are you asleep? Are you asleep?”
3:45pm Both brothers are allowed to get up. Apparently they are upset that I wouldn’t let them eat cookies and have staged a coup
4:00pm Realize I have been barricaded from Big Brothers room
4:03pm-4:35pm Feed Baby Girl, make dinner, continue loads of laundry #s I don’t remember, balance check book, call cable, refill prescriptions, do 5 minutes of pilates with Baby Girl on my stomach. Briefly think how cute it is to hear The Brothers playing so nicely upstairs
4:41pm Glance in mirror and notice I only put mascara on 1 eye
4:44pm Realize it is WAY too quiet upstairs
Oh. That’s why.
I have been barricaded from the room due to my unwillingness to provide chocolate chip cookies.
5:30pm-6:30pm The Evening Hustle. Husband comes home from work sick. Make dinner, feed Baby Girl, maybe I did laundry, make school lunches, might have cleaned up
6:30pm Sit at dinner table with 2 tiny food critics. I gently explain that what we have for dinner is what is on our plates. No, I will not be getting chocolate chip waffles. Big Brother asks why I am so grumpy and Little Brother “accidentally” throws his plate on the ground.
7:00pm-8:00pm The Bedtime Hustle. Tubby time, try to wrestle with boys since daddy isn’t feeling well, feed Baby Girl, PJs, break up fight over which bedtime story to read, distribute medicines, potty one last time, fill humidifiers, ensure proper night lights are activated, prayers, and final tuck in.
8:09-8:27pm Silence. Eerie silence.
8:28pm Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Little Brother is up and back at it. In our efforts to enforce our “you only get tucked in once” rule. We ignore him.
8:35pm He is still calling for me so we decide to investigate.
8:36pm Find Little Brother standing in the bathroom with no pants on and bath towels covering the floor. He informs us that he “accidentally pooped while he was going pee pee and hid the poopy.”
8:37pm Begin exciting scavenger hunt for poopy hidden under bath towels
8:40pm During poopy hunt, Little Brother informs us that he also happened to step in it and walk down the hallway
8:41pm Husband cleans up hershey trail from hallway, cleans up Little Brother, brings new load of towels down to be washed and tucks him in, one last time. Ensures him it was just an accident and is no big deal, and that yes, his hair is like he likes it so there is no need to sleep sitting up
8:55pm Hear Big Brother calling “Mommy” from his room. I lean over him and remind him I’ve already tucked him in and he needs to get some sleep. He yawns and asks,
“Can you tell me a really good story about Jesus and chocolate chip cookies?”
I weave a brilliant and captivating tale involving these two subjects, say an extra prayer, tell him the crescent moon is out watching over him, kiss his little forehead, and creep out of his room as he sighs. Probably already dreaming about Jesus. And chocolate chip cookies.